I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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