I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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