i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
