...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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