I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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