I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
