Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
