you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
