Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
