I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
