Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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