I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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