No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
