I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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