i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
