ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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