Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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