it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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