I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
