I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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