i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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