my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I wear drunk well.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
