I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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