Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis