She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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