If i come over, it means nothing
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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