It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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