i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You can't motorboat a personality
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
