you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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