I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
