She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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