I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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