im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
