I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
