good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
