It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
