I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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