Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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