Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
