i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
