it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
