remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
