drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
