She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
