So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
