does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
