don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
