So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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