I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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