YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
