He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
