Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
