Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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