Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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