fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
