tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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