i think my mom watched the whole time
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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