My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
